


Was Ich Liebe

by lahnal (xiaolianhua)



Series: Established and domestic life of paulchard [4]
Category: Rammstein
Genre: Character Death, Emotional, Established Relationship, Future Verse, Hospitalization, M/M, Weddings, based on true story - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-22 17:42:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21080519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiaolianhua/pseuds/lahnal
Summary: Cancer is a horrible disease that doesn't choose its victims or timing. Future verse.





	1. The admission

**Author's Note:**

> This story is loosely based on a true event that happened at work this summer with an elderly lady. 
> 
> Thank you hanhanhan156 for checking and helping me with this!

Paul clutched his stomach, groaning in pain as he waited for the medics to reach their house. He was alone, Richard had gone out to meet his grand children and play with them at the park. The pain was something that Paul had never encountered before; sharp yet dull at the same time, throbbing yet not getting stronger. He had rolled himself into a ball on the floor and when the medics rang the doorbell, he painstakingly forced himself to crawl to the front door.

He took a shallow breath as he moved aside, letting the two paramedics in their house. Dutifully, he answered their questions although the pain was making it difficult. Paul saw them administering medicine to a syringe before it was shot into his arm. Next, he was lifted up to stretchers and belted down, “My phone and keys! On the table” He said, voice filled with pain, as the medicine hadn’t yet to take an effect. 

A paramedic picked the items and stuck them on the stretcher. “There. Now, let’s go. We need to get you to the emergency. Is the medicine helping at all?” 

“A little” Paul sighed, feeling the sharpest edge of the pain slipping away with the dosage. 

The medic nodded, “If you are still in pain after ten minutes, let me know and I’ll give you another dose. With this traffic, it’ll take us twenty minutes or so to reach the emergency and you should be able to get to the tests immediately as we will inform them on the way.” 

Paul didn’t react to the information. Instead, he tried his best to ignore the agony and think about his lover whose reaction would be almost too much to bear with the news

~~~ 

After several hours at the emergency, going in and out of different scans, checking laboratory tests and having more medicine given to him, Paul was exhausted. Still, he didn’t have a chance to call his partner while he was stuck waiting for the results as the doctors looked over his examinations. 

Another half an hour passed with Paul dozing off due the strong medicine. 

He was woken up when a doctor addressed him by his name. “Paul Landers?” He blinked and nodded, squeezing his eyes shut hard before opening them again to focus better. 

“I am doctor Meyer. How are you, feeling any better with the medicine?” 

“Better than before, not in pain anymore” Paul admitted quietly. 

The doctor nodded and looked at him. “There are some more examinations and tests we need to do to make sure of the diagnosis and while we wait them to finish, you will be moved into a ward to wait. The staff there will explain everything and you will have a chance to talk with the doctor there if you wish. Now excuse me” he said and left, leaving Paul alone in his cubicle again, now even more confused than before. 

He sighed, unable to stop the dark thoughts that something was truly wrong with him. It didn’t feel any different than before now as the pain was gone. He tried to think back if it was something he had eaten or was there something else that would explain the pain but nothing came to his mind.

Soon a person came over to his cubicle, checked his name and that his things were with him before they moved him along the corridor to elevators and another long corridor before reaching his destination. 

Paul waited patiently, thankful for the spot where he could see the tv in the lobby. He distracted his thoughts by watching a home renovating program that was on until a nurse came and interviewed him again. 

The fact that he was now alone in the patient room made Paul feel at least a tiny bit better about the situation. Richard would be able to stay close without a need to hide or explain their relationship to the other patients sharing the room. 

The nurse had asked if he wanted to inform his family or should they do it. Paul said he would call them himself but only after a talk with the doctor. The nurse had promised to tell their doctor and ask him to come over soon for any questions. 

Paul fiddled with his phone, looking out of the window deeply in his thoughts, when the doctor walked in, closing the door quietly behind him. “Hello. I’m doctor Hofmann, a specialist in stomach and intestine medicine.” 

Paul shifted to look at him and nodded his acknowledgment, clasping hands on the duvet to stop fiddling. “What’s wrong with me?” he asked, looking at the doctor as he took a chair and sat down next to the bed. “When I’ll get back home?” 

Dr. Hofmann took a moment, looking at his patient with gentle eyes. “They took several CT-scans of your stomach and body in the emergency room. The pain you felt before is explainable through these images. We will treat that as best as we can.” 

Paul nodded, staring at the doctor who had fell silent , giving Paul some time to digest the words. “Treat… just the pain?” he asked, feeling a lump rising in his throat, forcing any remaining words tohalt and die before they came out. 

“I am sorry.” Dr. Hofmann said softly, “the CT-scan and laboratory exams showed a highly spread cancer, its starting point probably the intestines or the spleen. We don’t know the exact type yet. The results should come in few days and then we know more.” 

Paul laid back in shock, a lump in his throat now making it difficult to talk. 

Cancer?

Swallowing hard before taking a shaky breath, he looked down at his shaking hands, grasping the sheets tightly, “H-how long I still have?” 

“We can’t say anything for sure but prepare for a maximum of a month or two.” the doctor said softly, “it has spread too widely to be operated but if we find out the type, there might be a cytostatic treatment to slow the spread and lengthen your life. The results should come in few days, as I said earlier. I am sorry to bring you these news. If you feel like talking to a therapist or a priest, just tell us and we will provide the service.” 

“Can… can you tell the nurses to call Richard, my partner? I-I don’t think I can do it.” Paul said quietly, blinking slowly as he looked at the doctor. 

Doctor Hofmann gave him a soft smile and squeezed his hand gently, “I know this is a lot to take in. I’ll tell them to call your partner immediately. Don’t hesitate to call the nurses if you are in pain or need something else.” He reminded before he left. 

The room got silent after the doctor left and the silence only made it all worse. Paul swallowed, thinking the words he had feared the most to hear yet those were the ones he had heard.

‘A month or at the maximum two left to live’ 

He couldn’t believe it; why him? Why now when they finally had all the time in the world to spend together? Paul rubbed his eyes, feeling the pressure of the first of tears which slowly started to trickle down his cheeks. 

Biting back a sob he thought how it was just few years ago when the band had decided to stop touring and recording anything new together. It was a mutual decision to stop while on top and for each of them to retire each to their own projects or families. 

A sudden realization came to his mind then; he would’t live to celebrate his 70th birthday in three months. For the big celebration, they had planned to go on a trip with their group members to a small village in south Germany. Thinking about his friends, his family on the tour, a fresh wave of tears rolled down his cheeks. All the fights and hardships he had shared with them but even more, all the amazing experiences, the feeling of mutual trust and love he got from them flashed through his mind. 

Paul was relishing a particular funny event when Richard walked into the room in haste. “Paul, love!” 

His lover’s voice snapped him out of his memories and he managed to give him a forced smile through the tears. “Reesh..”

“What’s wrong? The nurse who called me refused to tell anything! Are you in pain?” Richard looked at his lover more thoroughly, ”what’s going on, why are you crying?” 

Paul shook his head and moved to sit on the bedside before standing up and hugging his lover tightly. “I’m not in pain… well not in physical” He whispered, leaning against the other man for a moment before stepping back. He let his hand slide down on Richard’s arm, taking a hold on his hand as he backed to sit on the bed and pulled his lover to sit next to him. 

Paul looked out of the window as he took a shaky breath before facing his lover. “I-I...” He started but stopped and swallowed before wetting his lips. He was thankful that Richard didn’t interrupt, clearly worried yet patiently waited for his partner to continue. “I don’t have much time left. They said it’s a cancer… widespread.” He said bluntly.

Paul heard Richard’s breath hitch as he heard the words and let them sink in. 

Cancer, months. 

Paul shifted on the bedside to face his partner, “I just heard myself. The doctor said they’ll know more in few days but… but it’s terminal and cannot be operated.” 

“B-but.. you’ve been healthy and fine!” Richard exclaimed in disbelief, not wanting to accept it although he knew his partner would never lie about anything like this. 

“I was.” Paul said, squeezing his lover’s hand, “I don’t feel different now but they gave me a lot of medicine” 

Richard lunged forward, pulling his partner in a tight hug again. “You’re the one grounding me, what I’m going to do if you leave me like this?” He wept and continued with a trembling voice, “...don’t leave me, not like this...” 

Paul chose not to answer. He just hugged his lover just as tight as the sobs ripped through Richard’s body. It was time for Paul to be the ground for his lover once more as he was breaking down in Paul’s arms. 

~~~~ 

A few days later the doctor came to visit Paul again in the morning when he was alone. Richard had left home in the evening to clean up and get some Paul’s favorite foods for him. Paul had requested to hear the results alone and was thankful that the staff respected his wish. 

“The results are in. The pathology report found out that it was a spleen cancer that started to spread to your intestines and lungs. The type is highly invasive and with this level the cytostatic treatment won’t help you. I am sorry to say that.” Doctor Hofmann said after taking a seat next to Paul’s bed. “We have scheduled another CT-scan for today to check what the current situation is to make a better estimate. With this kind of illness, it is suggested on medical grounds to make a decision not to resuscitate in any situation for not to prolong the pain.” 

Paul listened the doctor quietly, having already accepted his faith so he just nodded, there wasn’t much he could do to the illness anyways. “So what is my treatment until…?” 

“We will be giving you opioids and if the need comes, then morphine for the pain. We will do our best to provide you the most painless life.”

“Do I stay here or can I go home?” 

“We can’t prescript you the medicine to ease the pain at home but it is your decision. We cannot keep a patient in the hospital against their will” 

Paul knew Richard wanted him home for the last days and he wanted to go as well but the pain he had experienced when they had first brought him here was too much to handle again. And even if he could withstand it, he could not bare the idea that his lover would have to see him that way. “I want to stay here and get the medicine for the pain.” He said, just when someone from the hospital personel came to get him for the CT-scan. 

Doctor Hofmann got up to let the man move Paul’s bed. “I will come again later and we will talk about the scan results.” 

A few hours later Paul was back again in his room, standing next to the window and looking outside. The weather looked warm, the colors of trees slowly turning to orange and red hues. His moment was broken with a knock on the door, followed by the doctor stepping in with a movable computer table. “Hello Paul. The results are in. Do you want to see the images?” 

Paul shook his head as he turned to look at the doctor but didn’t move from his place. “That’s not necessary. I’d rather know as little as possible.” 

“That’s understandable.” the doctor said gently and started to type on the laptop. “Did you have time to think about the do not resuscitate -decision?” 

“Yeah, I’ve decided to do that. I won’t get better anyways.” He said, giving the doctor a fleeting smile before getting serious again. 

Dr. Hofmann hummed and typed it down on his file. “The CT-scan showed some unfortunate new spreading of the cancerous tumor. It is spreading faster than originally thought,” he said, watching his patient closely. “Your life expectancy is up to a month, most likely up to two weeks.” 

Paul felt numb at the words. He thought that nothing would make this worse anymore. It was difficult to comprehend when he felt physically good,; he was still able to stand and eat just fine. He turned his back to the doctor and looked out of the window again. “I’d like to speak to the priest as soon as possible,” he said and glanced back at the doctor, “There’s something I need to clear out before it’s too late.” 

“I’ll ask the nurses to call the priest here.” 

“Actually, I’ll meet them at the chapel, there is one right? Can someone bring me there?” 

“I’m sure they can,” Dr. Hofmann said and typed some more before pushing the cart forward, “You can come and ask them yourself. It might do good to leave the room for a while.” 

Paul nodded and put on his slippers before scuffling out of his room after the doctor. What he wanted to talk about with the priest was something he didn’t want his partner to hear, at least not yet. And as he had no idea when Richard would return, this was the only way to get privacy.


	2. The talk

Soon, Paul was pushed in a wheelchair along the corridor and into the elevator. He was brought in the chapel where a female priest was waiting for him already. He thanked the nurse and stood up slowly to look around the small room. There was an altar and beautiful white flowers on the surface, a small and simple cross hung on the wall. 

“What’s your name, dear?” the priest asked, voice soft and gentle, just like Paul had imagined it to be. 

“Paul Landers” He answered softly, “thank you for seeing me.” 

The priest nodded with a smile. “It is my pleasure to meet you, Paul.” She didn’t say anything else but waited for Paul to start telling her what he had in mind. 

“I’ve been diagnosed with terminal cancer and have about two weeks maybe a month to live. It was so sudden, just found out couple days ago” Paul started, staring at the cross on the wall. He wasn’t religious nor he believed in God but the cross gave him a strange sense of stability right now. “I have came to the terms with it already and I don’t fear it. Of course, it scares me and I wished to live long, but there’s no cure. There’s no miracle to save me.” 

“I am sorry to hear that. The God’s ways are unpredictable and often unfair. I am glad to hear that you have found a way to cope with the horrible news. It is not easy after something sudden, like this, happens.”

Paul nodded, giving her a tiny smile, “I have accepted that there is a lot of things I can’t do anymore as there is no time for it or my health won’t let me.” 

“Acceptance is a great step forward. Only then you can begin to amend your regrets and wrong doings to reach inner peace with the situation.” 

Paul stepped closer to the altar and reached to touch one of the white roses on a vase. Picking it up he stepped towards the seats and took a place on the front row, the priest sitting down one chair away from him. He twirled the rose around, smelling it before continuing his story, “I have a partner who I love very much. This year marked us twenty years together. We’ve known for much longer though.” He smiled, glancing at the priest before continued, “We both were married before, divorced and found each other. Most of our lives we worked alongside, fought and apologized but above everything we supported each other at work and in private. We just retired a couple of years ago, you know? We planned to go on a trip with our old friends at my birthday in three months. Now, I know I won’t be able make it. I’m stuck here, my health deteriorating too quickly and when I heard I have just weeks left it made me realize something. Before I die I want to marry him. We talked it many times before but never got around to do it. People say they regret a lot of things on their deathbed, I think not marrying him would be my biggest regret” Paul paused, wiping away a lonely tear, “So I’m wondering if you can you marry us before I die?” 

“Thank you for sharing your story. It is a beautiful one, filled with love,” the priest said, smiling softly at Paul, “If you are able to get the legal papers, it can be arranged either here at the chapel or in your room, depending on your health.” 

Paul nodded, inhaling shakily, “I’ll ask him today to get the papers ready. It probably takes a few days as tomorrow is Friday.” 

“Usually it takes weeks, but in this kind of case, they will work fast. The papers are probably ready on Monday if he applies for them tomorrow morning and explains the situation.” 

Paul smiled, “I’d like to ask four of our friends to witness the union.” 

“That’s perfectly fine and suitable, two is needed,” the priest said, “Is there something else you want to tell me about your partner? Most want to keep the ceremony short and simple.” 

“I think simple suits us well.” Paul murmured, “His name is Richard Zven Kruspe. I’ll add his last name to mine.” 

He saw the priest writing down as he listed few more things about them as a couple. He made plans to contact her as soon as their got the papers sorted out and requested to leave back to his room. 

Richard was already there when he got wheeled back. “Hey, love” He smiled and accepted the hug and kiss from his lover. 

“Did you wait long? They sent me to tests and all” Paul said, looking at him apologetically.

“Maybe ten minutes, not that long.” Richard answered, watching his lover closely. Paul still looked the same as before, maybe a bit tired but not fatally sick and he still had the amazing smile that made him fall in love with the other man in the first place. 

“Lay with me, I need to rest¨,” Paul said as he moved to the bed and slipped under the covers. He waited as Richard peeled off his shoes and joined him on the bed. Turning on his side, Paul snuggled close, resting his head on Richard’s shoulder and arm thrown over his middle. “They said it is spreading faster. My time is running out and I’ve been thinking a lot,” Paul talked quietly, almost whispering and Richard had to concentrate to hear him. 

“How long we have together?” He asked, voice filled with pain and underlying anger. The younger knew there was nothing that could make his partner healthy again and he had somewhat accepted that but it was still hard, so hard to believe and truly comprehend it. 

Paul sighed and reached for his lover’s hand and entwined their fingers on Richard’s chest. “They took another CT scan today, it is a pancreas cancer, highly invasive and it has spread within past few days. They estimated a month at most but advised to get ready in two weeks.” He felt and heard his lover taking a strangled breath, arm coming around him to pull him even closer if possible. “I signed the papers that they won’t resuscitate me if I happen to fall into cardiac arrest or alike, just that you know.” 

“I understand it but I don’t like it” Richard said.

Richard’s comment made Paul to chuckle softly, “still defiant as ever”.

“Always” Richard said and kissed the other’s temple tenderly. 

They fell in comfortable silence and Richard was sure Paul had fallen asleep on his chest. He hummed quietly one of their favorite songs and squeezed Paul’s hand. 

Paul smiled as he recognized the song and spoke quietly, “You know.. they say people think all the things they regret on their deathbed. And I’ve been thinking that a lot too. I thought it was a cliché but it really is like that, at least I do think about it. I mean, I don’t regret much though, I’ve brought up two amazing children and they’re having loving families. I had the occupation I wanted and had so much fun on the stage doing what I love – I never thought it would be possible, I believed that I would become an office rat and just maybe occasionally, if I was lucky, I’d play at some club. But joining your band changed my life in good and bad. 

After the fall out of my marriage, you were there. Even if we separated in peace, it was still a great change. You were there to help me, I never believed it would end to this… us together for twenty years. It’s a long time to live with your stubborn soul,” he chuckled, making Richard slap his back in protest. 

“It’s true, don’t deny it!” 

Richard shrugged, “I didn’t say anything” 

“Yeah yeah whatever... But what I was going to say, was that these past years with you have been some of the most amazing ones in my life. The finest were probably when the kids were small, I won’t deny it, it was really the best but with you, it’s been different. Especially now that we have retired, had a chance to spend time together in peace or just reminiscing old songs with guitars, it’s so tranquil. I’m amazed that even after all these years I have found something new about you.” 

“Like what?” Richard wondered amused but ever so curious to hear his partner. 

“Like you’re really good taking care of roses and the garden” Paul smiled and peered up, “I hope you can continue to take care of them for me.” 

“I’ll try.” Richard whispered, brushing fingers against Paul’s cheek and tilted his face up for a lingering kiss, “I’ll try my love but I can’t promise” ‘not without you’ he wanted to add but the words were left unsaid. 

Paul kept gazing at his up at his lover, his partner, that he went through heaven and hell for the past fifty years. Richard’s eyes were still bright blue, hair back to natural color and wrinkles adoring his face alike his own. “I talked to a priest earlier.” 

Richard frowned, “A priest, why? I think they won’t accept you in Heaven if you start to get religious and believe this late” 

Paul grinned, “no, not for that, silly… like I said, I’ve had time to think now what I want from my remaining days. There’s something I don’t want to regret but I would if I don’t do it before it’s too late.” 

“You’re speaking in riddles again, love. I’m too old for that and too stupid still. Living with you hasn’t made it easier, you know?” 

“I know, I know. I just… we talked about it before, many times before.” He shifted to fully face at his lover and announced, “I want to marry you, Richard“. He had never been so sure about his live choices than he was about this. “You always told me that I’m not selfish and I’m too nice to everyone. Now, I am being selfish. I want to marry you, even if it was for the few days I have left.” He declared and moved his hand up to cup Richard’s chin, thumb caressing his jawline. “Will you marry me, Reesh?” His voice full of wonder and hope as he watched his lover closely.

Paul wiped the tear falling from his lover’s eye as he waited for the answer that came in form of a shaky smile and a kiss. Paul felt Richard’s tears wetting his cheek as they kissed. “I want to marry you… But how?” he whispered against Paul’s lips. 

“The hospital priest agreed to do it, I asked her. You need to get the legal documents, Reesh. I can’t leave from the hospital for long period due the medicine drip and all. They have a nice little chapel for us to use or we do it here, if I can’t go down there anymore. She said they work fast in urgent situations.” 

“I’ll get them. Should we ask our families here?” 

“I don’t want my kids to see me like this and even less my grandchildren” Paul admitted, “I know I’ll look far worse in few days. It’s starting to hinder my breathing too and I’m getting more exhausted day by day.” He paused briefly before asking, “Do you think the others would be willing to attend? I have to thank them for the fact that I have you here with me now.” 

Richard ran fingers through Paul’s short hair, biting down on his lip as he thought about the rest of their band members, “We have to call them soon, Schneider has to book a flight and for Till, it takes a day to come too but I’m sure they are happy to come and join us. Have you told them about your...” 

“Flake knows, he visited me yesterday after you left. We’ll call them tomorrow? After you have visited the office for the papers?” 

“We’ll do that.” Richard promised and pressed another kiss on Paul’s lips. “You should rest. I’ll stay here for a while until your dinner comes. Sleep until that, love” 

Paul hummed and closed his eyes, breath soon slowing and deepening as he fell asleep in Richard’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I don't know how these things work in Germany so I just wrote it as they work in my country.


	3. The build-up

The weekend saw Paul’s health taking a turn to worse. He could ~barely eat anymore, only taking small bites occasionally and struggling to get them swallowed. He felt more tired every day as the illness started to take a toll on him. They hooked him on I.V. drip, giving him nutrients and fluids to ease the pain of eating. 

He still tried to his best to be awake and happy when Richard was there, but still, he could see how the situation took a toll on the younger man as well. The smile he had grown used to in the past years was slowly stripping away, replaced by dark shadows under his eyes and sinking cheeks. 

“Are you eating well?” he asked when Richard came to visit on Monday morning, looking tired and more fragile than he had ever seen him.

“Nothing gets past you even now” Richard admitted as he sat down on a chair next to Paul’s bed. “You’re dying and yet you care more about me.” 

Paul smiled at that, reaching over for Richard’s hand and the other man granted him that, lacing their fingers together, “I’m dying yes, but you will live, maybe another ten years maybe more. And I know it must be hard to think that now but I want you to continue living, maybe move closer to Till? He is your oldest friend and closest. The last thing I want is you to stay alone and get depressed.” he said softly, watching his lover closely. Their eyes locked for a moment before Richard turned his gaze down to their hands again. 

“I asked the priest to come today here so that you can meet her too. The nurse said she’ll come around midday.” Paul said nonchalantly, trying to change the subject. 

Richard nodded silently but gave a shy smile to the other man. Seeing his lover this weak was making him feel so helpless and small. He could only imagine the pain Paul was going through – oh how he wished he could take some of it to ease the burden. 

Richard let go of Paul’s hand to dig something out of his pocket and placed a small velvet pouch to his hand. “I got these yesterday. I know you said you don’t need or want any but I need to have it.” 

Paul took the pouch and peered in, turning it over to drop two rings on his sheets. He picked them up and scrutinized the smooth dual-colored surface: one ring matte black dominating surface with a carved line of deep red in the middle as well as the inside, the other ring was as wide but had larger red portion in the middle and it was shiny, polished. 

“The matte is yours.” Richard said, picking up the ring and took Paul’s hand to slide it on, smiling as it fit albeit a little loose with the loss of weight. 

“They’re beautiful” Paul finally let out, “I think I can let this one go. I was selfish enough to ask you to marry me even in this condition, you can have the rings.” He chuckled before coughing few times hard as the laughter scratched his throat. 

“It’s somewhat funny” He continued as the coughs subdued, “but I can understand you wanting the rings. I love it, thank you” In honesty, Paul still thought having rings wasn’t necessary but he knew his lover and he had to agree that the rings did portray their characters well. 

“I love you” Richard said, taking the rings and placing them safely in the pouch again and placed it on Paul’s side table. “I just… I wanted to...” 

“I know.” Paul said softly, “you don’t need to explain, Reesh. I know. And I really appreciate it.” 

They fell in silence again, Paul closed his eyes and Richard watched him for a while before he stood up and leaned over to kiss his lips. “I’ll go to get the legal papers now. The office opens at ten. I try to come back for noon but ask the priest to wait if I’m running late.” 

Paul hummed, opening his eyes to smile at him, “Thank you, I will. See you soon” he said and closed eyes again, swallowing the lump in his throat that didn’t move no matter what he tried. 

Paul was sleeping when Richard came back and he took the moment to talk with the doctor about his partner’s situation. The discussion reassured him ever so slightly that his love would leave this world without pain when it was going to happen He also made sure that, they would call him if he was away and Paul’s health would drop suddenly. 

Richard stepped into Paul’s room, sitting there quietly as he watched his love to sleep, breath hitching ever so slightly and wheezing with every other breath. He looked so fragile, hooked up in drips and machines, skin losing it’s glow as the illness progressed. “Don’t leave me” Richard breathed, blinking tears away as he waited Paul to wake up. 

He startled as the door closed behind him and he looked up to see the priest stepping inside the room, “Sorry to intrude, I’m the hospital priest. Paul requested me today, you must be Richard?” 

Richard quickly wiped his tears and stood up to greet her, “Yeah, that’s me. Nice to meet you. Paul’s sleeping. I got the documents” he said quickly and presented a white folder to the priest to look through. “Our friends will come tomorrow, at two.” 

The priest accepted the folder and looked through the papers, “Paul and the two witnesses need to sign this one but other than that, everything seems to be ready. I’ll make sure to come here tomorrow at two then” She smiled, putting the papers away on a drawer. She then took a seat next to Richard. “How are you dealing with the illness of your partner?” 

Richard glanced at Paul with sad eyes, sniffling as he talked quietly, “It’s… difficult. He’s always been the happy and the bright one, full of energy. Paul always managed to bring me out of my misery, out of drugs and depression, so many times. Now I’m afraid.” He admitted and took a brief pause. “I’m afraid I can’t control myself after he leaves and that scares me. He asked me to continue to take care of the garden, you know? But I’m not sure if I can stay in that house anymore, not with all the memories reminding me that I’ll be alone.” 

Paul coughed suddenly, breath stuck with stubborn lump in his throat. He sat up coughing some more before managing to dislodge the snot and spit it out on a paper cup next to his bed. Realizing that he wasn’t alone he smiled apologetically, “sorry… you should have woken me up” 

“There’s nothing to be sorry.” the priest said gently, “I was talking with your partner here. You can legally be wed as husbands tomorrow, as planned.” 

“Oh good. That’s good news.” Paul smiled, taking Richard’s hand again. “I wanted to go to the chapel but I’m afraid I don’t have the energy.” 

“Whichever is more comfortable to you, we do” Richard said, “I don’t mind if it’s here.” 

“I do though” Paul mused, glancing out of the window, “I’ll ask the nurses tomorrow. There should be some way to do it” He smiled, looking at the priest and continued, “Richard here got rings so we’ll be exchanging them after all. And our friend will play the piano at the chapel if it’s alright.” 

“If you feel like you can come to chapel tomorrow, it is fine.” The priest smiled back and said: “Is it alright that I’ll keep these until tomorrow’s ceremony?” She pointed at the papers. “You will sign them tomorrow and the marriage certificate will be given for you to keep.” 

“That’s fine” Richard said, “or what do you think, Paul?” 

“Sure, it’s not like we need them here now.” He smiled back to his lover before turning to the priest. “Thank you for coming again today. I’ll call you in the morning where the ceremony will be held. I think our friends will need guidance to the chapel if we can keep it there.” 

“Oh, that’s fine. I’ll ask the security to show the way. I truly hope we can have the ceremony as you have planned,” she said: “Love is strong and it gives us strength. Believe in it in these hard times.” 

“I will” Paul said, determined to make it to tomorrow. “I have always believed in it,” he added softer and turned to look at Richard who was looking back at him with a matching gentle gaze filled with emotion. 

“I’ll see you two tomorrow then,” the priest said eventually and smiled at the couple before leaving the room to exchange few words with the nurses about the ceremony. 

The rest of the day went uneventfully, Richard helping Paul to eat and drink as much as the other could swallow and finishing his meal when the other had enough. He kissed Paul tenderly and promised to be there early tomorrow. Paul reminded him not to dress fancy as he wouldn’t be able to and Richard shook head to that, reminding him that with his fashion sense that would be impossible task to do. Paul grinned at him and kisses him again before laying down to rest. “See you tomorrow, Reesh.” 

Richard kept his word and showed up next morning around noon, wearing clean pants and a suit jacket thrown over a collared shirt – Paul’s favorite. He nodded his greetings to the nurses who congratulated them as he continued to the room. Richard was pleasantly surprised to see Paul awake, half-sitting on his bed. 

“Morning, love,” Richard said, pressing a kiss on Paul’s lips. 

“Morning.” Paul smiled, looking at his partner, “I told you not to dress up,” he murmured, touching the soft material of Richard’s shirt. “It’s my favorite one” he noted, caressing the silken burgundy. 

“Yeah, I know it is.” Richard smiled, placing a bouquet of crimson roses on the bedside table and shrugged off the jacket. “You know I like wearing these daily anyways.” 

“Yeah, I’ve noticed” Paul smiled, glancing at the roses curiously and continued, “these are pretty, I love the color. It’s similar to the one on the rings.” 

Richard hummed, observing his partner closely, “How’re you feeling today?” 

“They bathed me before you got here. And the doctor injected some vitamins and added nutrients to the I.V. drip. The nurses are so helpful here.” Paul smiled, gesturing towards a tall glass on his table. “One of them brought me a smoothie. It’s not much but it cheered me that I could keep it down. I’m losing my taste though but the coolness felt good.” He sighed, rubbing his neck in agony

“That’s good to hear” Richard smiled kindly, feeling a bit better as he saw Paul enjoying the small things even in his state. 

“They told me that I can go to the chapel with this bed and someone can help me to a wheelchair for the ceremony. That’s the best I can do.” 

“That’s more than you have to do, Paul,” Richard said softly, “I don’t mind if you’re in this bed. Just having you there to get married with me is enough. At this situation, I can’t ask for more and I don’t want you to strain yourself.” 

Paul hummed and looked out of the window, the colors vivid in the autumn sun. He had always been a late summer person, enjoying the shift of seasons from hot to mild, from green to splash of colors, he thought it suited him well to see his end during this time of the year. “The colors look exceptionally bright this autumn,” he appraised, eyes still fixated on a maple tree right outside of his window, “but it’s probably just me trying to memorize it all before it’s too late.” 

A sad smile spread on Richard’s lips at the words, ”I don’t see any colors out there this year.” 

Paul nodded in understanding, turning his head to rest it on the pillows as he watched his lover, ”I wish you could still see the beauty of it but maybe someday, you’ll remember me in the array of autumn colors. All the walks in the parks, throwing leaves into each other’s faces and collecting some just to decorate the door with them.” 

Richard chuckled at the shared memory of their early days when they had walked in Tiergarten and Paul had kicked a neat pile of leaves around before taking an armful and lunged them at Richard’s face making the other man sputter. ”Maybe I will... I don’t know.” He sighed, fingers idly stroking Paul’s hand; once strong now lacking the strength and warmth he had grown used to. “I miss you already,” he admitted weakly. 

”I know,” Paul breathed, ”I’m trying not to think about it too much, you know... Right now all my energy and willpower is going to the wedding ceremony. If I can live through that then I can leave without regrets.” 

”It keeps amazing me how you can stay so selfish and strong in this situation.” 

”I don’t have much left.” Paul shrugged, ”and I believe the remaining days should be as happy as possible rather than crying about the inevitable. I know this is hard for you, it is for me too but I can’t change this no matter what I try. I feel my body failing me hour by hour and I’m not sure how long I can last so it might be selfish of me, but please, try to smile for me, Reesh. At least for today if not tomorrow. Don’t grieve for me while I’m still here.” 

”I love you so much,” Richard burst out, voice full of raw emotion and leaned in to kiss Paul, breaths mixing and lips lingering as they exchanged small kisses one after another. Paul’s lips curved into a smile against Richard’s, hand coming to rest on the other man’s nape, ”I love you too.” 

Richard pecked him one more time before sitting back down. ”Are you ready for the ceremony?” 

”Always.” Paul flashed a bright smile, ”as long as it’s with you.” 

”Idiot” Richard mumbled but couldn’t stop the smile spreading on his lips. ”It’s been a while since I saw the others, they should be here soon.” 

”Yeah, it has really been a while. I hope they actually listened me and didn’t dress up unlike someone else.” 

Richard huffed, glad to see Paul joking even if it was on his expense. ”Thanks.” He stated and moved aside as a nurse came to check the medicine and other I.V. drips. 

”Dr Hofmann said that one of us has to stay with you through the service at the chapel in case something happens. Do you have any preferences who will occupy you?” The nurse asked as she capped the nutrient drip and tossed the empty bag into a bin near by. 

”Whoever has time, you have all been good to me - to us.” Paul smiled, letting her check him all over before leaning back on the pillows. 

”Alright, I’ll ask around, I think Martina wanted to see your wedding. She’s been talking about you two whole evening yesterday.” 

”Oh?” Richard asked, eyebrows raising at this information.

”She’s been your fan before your band retired and her child is listening to you too.” 

Paul grinned at Richard before nodding at the nurse. ”It must be hard for her to take care of me then. She should join us if she can.” 

”We’ll make sure she can,” She smiled and glanced at the clock, ”She’ll bring you down to the chapel in half an hour to get ready.” 

“Okay, great. Don’t bother with the wheelchair.” 

“I’ll tell her. Good luck with the ceremony.” She said and left, leaving the couple alone. 

”You should start getting ready” Paul mused to Richard, “go to toilet, wash your face and all that.” 

Richard grunted and did just that, knowing better not to argue with his partner. He glared himself from the mirror, dark circles under his eyes more prominent than before, shining through the thinned aged skin. He sighed and wet his face, making sure to wash the dried tears off. 

”Better” Paul smiled as his lover emerged from the bathroom. “Ollie called, he arrived already and I think Schneider is there soon too. Till and Flake probably come together, Till said he will pick him up on the way.” 

Richard hummed, walking around the room to pick the rings and fiddle with the flowers. 

”Nervous?” Paul asked, watching his lover pace around. “Don’t be, it’s just me.” 

”Yeah, just you” Richard deadpanned, ”and rest of the family.” 

”They got used to us for the last twenty years, dear.” Paul reminded him, ”I won’t be accepting their ring.” He grinned but soon coughed hard and gurgled up some snot. ”God I hate this,” he sighed after spitting it out. 

”You’re doing well, much better than I would.” Richard sighed, giving the bouquet of roses to Paul to keep before pocketing the rings. “Hang on there, love,” He whispered and kissed Paul’s nose affectionately. 

Paul just smiled to him and greeted Martina as the nurse walked in to help them to the chapel. ”All ready?” 

”Let’s go” Richard smiled and took a deep breath before following the two towards the elevators.


	4. Until the death us apart

To their surprise everyone was already waiting for them at the chapel. Paul smiled to them and tried to ignore the sad looks he was receiving. “I’m sorry we had to meet this way instead of the birthday,” he sighed, gesturing to them to come closer and hugged them one at the time. ”Thank you for coming, it means a world to me.” 

”How could we not come?” Ollie asked, shaking his head as he moved to hug Richard close. ”I’m here for you, Reesh, whenever you need it” 

”Thank you,” Richard whispered, hugging him back before accepting hugs from the rest. 

”Till, would you sign the papers?” Richard asked when he released him from their embrace. ”As a witness of the marriage” 

”Of course” Till smiled, hugging his old friend again, ”whatever you ask, Reesh.” 

Paul asked the same from their old drummer, smiling when he accepted readily. 

The priest gave the papers to Paul after everyone else had filled their part and he dutifully scribbled down his details before handing the sheet back. 

”I was informed that one of you wanted to use the piano. At which point do you want to play?” The priest asked, looking at the men in front of her with a smile. 

”Yes, that’d be me” Flake announced and glanced at the couple. “I was thinking of two songs, one before and one after, if that’s fine with the couple.” 

Paul and Richard looked at each other before nodded with a matching smile, ”That’s perfectly fine, Flake.” Richard said before turning to the priest, ”Everyone is here already, we can start whenever you’re ready” 

The priest nodded, helping the nurse to move Paul’s bed right in front of the altar and having a chair placed next to it for Richard to sit in. 

Richard sat down with a nervous smile and took Paul’s hand in his – he could feel Paul’s hands tremble just slightly against his own. He lifted their hands and pressed a kiss on Paul’s knuckles before placing the hands on his bed to rest. 

Flake got up and walked to the piano and sat down to the stool. ”To Paulie and Reesh, who finally decided to get married,” he smiled and turned to the keys, fingers playing the well-known melody of the couple’s favorite song. 

As the last notes tuned out, the priest smiled to the couple and looked at the others, ”In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

We have gathered here to celebrate the union of these two men who have walked a long path together to be wed here today in front of their closest friends. 

Before the eyes of the almighty God, and in the presence of these witnesses, I ask you, Richard Zven Kruspe, will you take Heiko Paul Landers to be your wedded husband and to show him faithfulness and love in need and in plenty, in sorrow and in joy?” She asked, looking at Richard gently. 

Richard looked at Paul, sharing a smile with him before looking at the priest, “I will.” 

She smiled back at him before turning to look at Paul, “before the eyes of the almighty God ,and in the presence of these witnesses I ask you, Heiko Paul Landers, will you take Richard Zven Kruspe to be your wedded husband and to show him faithfulness and love in need and in plenty, in sorrow and in joy?” 

“I will.” Paul answered with a smile, squeezing Richard’s hand.

“Can I have the rings now?” She asked and accepted them from Richard as he handed them for her, “Let us pray for the union signified by these rings.” 

Paul closed his eyes at the prayer as he felt a solitary tear slide down his cheek. He opened his eyes as he felt Richard’s fingers wipe it away and cup his cheek gently. He gave his lover a smile and whispered: “Concentrate, love.” 

“Oh, sorry” Richard mumbled embarrassed as he had missed his cue to take the ring from the priest. Paul grinned at his mishap as he waited for Richard to take a hold on his hand and slide the ring in its rightful place. 

It was Paul’s turn to take the other ring and Richard shifted in his chair to face the other man as Paul slipped the ring on, thumbing the cool metal for a moment. 

“You have now taken each other as spouses in marriage, and you have confessed it publicly before the eyes of God and in the presence of these witnesses. The wedding rings have been given as a sign of your marriage bond. With the authorization given to me I confirm your union and proclaim you husbands. You may now kiss“

Richard grinned at Paul brightly at he leaned over to press a kiss on Paul’s lips. 

As they moved apart the priest handed them their marriage certificate, “Here. Keep it safe. Congratulations.” 

Richard took the paper with a quiet thank you and promised to keep it safe. Glancing over it he gasped, seeing the printed names on it. “Paulie?” He questioned brows frowning as he looked at the other in confusion. 

“What? It’s correct, I chose to add your name to mine.I'm Landers-Kruspe now.” 

Richard shook his head in disbelief and lunged to hug his husband tightly earning laughter from their friends at his antics. “I love you, Paul. You can’t even imagine how much.” 

“I might have a small idea” He smirked at his husband, wiping his tears away. “I love you too.” 

Flake turned back to the piano, having watched the ceremony from the piano stool. The first notes of Haifisch rung in the chapel and got amused smiles from everyone. Till was the first to stand up, coming to stand next to Paul’s bed, the others rounding them, holding each others’ hands tightly. They waited for Flake to join them before Till spoke, his voice resonating in the chapel, “As much as it saddens us to see you in this condition Paul, we’re happy that you finally got married to Richard. We all promise to look after him, you can trust us with that.” 

“I trust you” Paul smiled to Till and continued: “Thank you. And thank you for everyone to come here today, it means a lot to me, to us, really. I don’t know how long I still have so this is probably the last time I see you... I just want to thank you for giving me the greatest life even if it sometimes was hard but we made it through together. My only wish is that you’ll stick together even after I’m gone until there’s no one left to look after, ” he said, looking at everyone in the eyes, “And make sure Richard won’t follow me to soon, that’s the last thing I want.” His voice had aserious undertone has he talked, glancing at his husband before looking pointedly at the others. He knew it would be difficult for everyone but they could pull through it together like they always had. Paul rested his eyes, coughing violently as the stress and strain of the past hour flooded over his body. “Richard?” He asked quietly, “Go to have a cake and coffee with them, I’ll go and rest a little. And no buts, enjoy, my husband.” He added with a smile and sharp look towards his husband. 

Richard sighed but agreed. He stood up and smiled to the rest, “There’s a nice cafeteria just outside the hospital, let’s go there.” He leaned in to kiss his husband and talked against his lips, “I’ll bring your some cake when I come back.” 

Paul thanked him and greeted the others once more before asking the nurse to wheel him back to his room. 

~~~

Richard stayed next to Paul’s bed for the days and nights after their wedding. On each day his husband’s health deteriorated, skin lost its healthy glow, fingers turned cold as more frequent coughs ragged his fragile body. 

“Reesh?” Paul whispered, just at the beginning of the third day after their wedding, the morning sun shining through the window. He could feel that this was it. He would not live to see the end of this day. He was going to be selfish one more time before letting go. 

Richard lifted his head from where he had rested it on the bedside and looked at his husband wearily. “What is it, Paulie?” 

“Come to bed,” he said, voice thin and breath heaving with each word. He still managed to smile at his husband as the said man moved to lay on the bed. Slowly he moved his hand to take a hold on his lover’s, smiling weakly as Richard grasped on it and held on tightly. 

Paul craned his head, pressing a lingering kiss on Richard’s lips. “Take care of yourself. Good night, husband.” 

Richard kissed him back, winding arm around Paul’s thin shoulders to pull him close. Leaning his head against Paul’s he closed his eyes. Soon after, Richard felt his husband take the last rasping breaths before going silent and still against him. Richard held him closer and kissed his temple as tears rushed down his cheeks, “Goodbye, my love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the work during the summer we had an elderly lady in her late 70s admitted to our ward. She got a diagnosis of invasive cancer and they gave her 2-3 weeks to live. She arranged with her long-time partner to get married before it would be too late. The man rushed around to get the needed documents and one morning came in with a bouquet of roses and a suit jacket. The priest came soon after. They had no family or friends to witness so two nurses joined the ceremony. We ordered them cake through the patient food system but that's all we could do. She was moved to a final care in different hospital couple days after the wedding but with the condition, she couldn't have made it for more than couple days there. 
> 
> It was such a tragic but so so beautiful event that it kept haunting me until now and I had to write it out. 
> 
> Thank you if you read until here. I appreciate it a lot
> 
> You can find me on tumblr as well at xiaolianhuax.tumblr.com


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